Back to DomSubFriends Home

DomSubFriends Memberships

Front Page
Dear Ms Kinky
Book Reviews
Past Meetings

Thoughts About Being Dominant
She Said

I just had an introspective thought provoking moment. This experience left me pondering the question; If I am a dominant woman what does that mean to me? I have decided to share my thoughts and the answers with you the readers in this column.

My dominance is a subtle thing. I am looking to experience spiritual/sexual enlightenment, through control, power exchanges, mental stimulation. I want to bring forth in some of my scenes my mentally suppressed sexual dark desires. I relish fulfilling my own wants, desires and pleasures, allowing me to break out of my old societal boundaries pushing my horizons to previously unattainable new levels. Now I am fully aware that accomplishing this self imposed agenda not an easy fete.

I feel the first necessary element needed towards fulfilling my desires is a compatible submissive. Now there is a basic problem lying in the first ingredient have just laid out. Paradoxically, for me - many of the submissive's I meet have this romantic view of Ds which leads them to the conclusion that I am superhuman, made of stone, never vulnerable and always infallible. They don't want to hear that I don't want the responsibility of their fantasy world on my shoulders. Putting it bluntly the baggage through which their fantasies are brought to the table fucks up my thought processes, goals and agendas I need to achieve my above stated purpose.

They all seem to harbor many misconceptions of just what is a D/S relationship. They believe, these relationships are in fact, smoother; less work; generally happier;romantic and most importantly involving little or no effort on their part as opposed to other kinds of relationships their lives have to offer. Romance doesn't work when you are looking for Power Exchange Relationships. The beauty I want to inspire has nothing to do with romanace. It is based on needs not expectations. To explore the places I want to go I need to have the most intimate of relationships, which takes tremendous time and effort. Its an ongoing process continually changing with limitless possibilities. When you finally find the person you can connect with something happens which for a lack of better word I'll call "love" you fall in love. It is the love factor that seemingly confuses everything totally obscuring the paths toward fulfilling my previous desired goals.

It is at this juncture I perceive a change in the balance of power because of the love factor on the part of the dominant. As a dominant you are just that a dominant an individual interested in fulfilling your D/S desires through situations and roles you have carefully laid out for the submissive to act out and perform. You are quite frankly not concerned with their perceptions, biases ,opinions or desires. When the "love factor" enters into the picture and you start to consider the irrelevant wants of the submissive your troubles have begun. If I do not have a submissive I cannot physically pursue the higher form of ecstasy that drives me. However having one whose demands I cater to and in fact demands their wants be catered to leaves me in the same position as not having one at all because I can't attain my higher goals and agendas due to the submisive's interference. This when I find out I "mistress" have in fact become the slave- this role reversal is totally unacceptable toward the achievement of my objectives. This is the dilemma a nutshell either; you end up pleasing the submissive believing in turn this is the only course of action that will allow you to continue you own selfish goal-Pursuit of ecstasy/spiritual/sexual gratification. However this very course of action is self defeating towards your goal achievement agendas. Thus we have a Pandora's Box or a "Catch 22," because if we allow ourselves to be led down this path our own goals suffer dramatically. Now in many cases if we refuse to be led down this submissive's fantasy lane - we find ourselves out shopping for a new submissive.

My dilemma is yes I'm a dominant woman however I don't want to dominate the masses. I am both very public and private. I not interested in empty unfulfilling scenes because you are submissive. I practice Ds to fulfill my own needs. I want to chose when I play, with whom I play. When I am in a serious relationship I expect people to realize it, giving me enough room to maneuver to accomplish my goals. I do not want them to look at me like I'm a public utility because I am a dominant woman, put on this earth to satisfy their needs regardless of what in fact are my own needs.

I have come to the end of my thought provoking self introspective feelings about being a dominant woman in D/S, arriving at two very basic conclusions; the first is I have a terrible headache; the second is that to be a Dominant you have to give up your ego and acknowledge the fact that your control is fleeting - in actuality you never had control. What in fact you have are two people in a relationship for a singular purpose of fulfilling their own selfish wants. Is this really different from any other union? Is this different from the real world of reality as opposed to our real fantasies?

He Said

As far as BDSM is concerned, I have been Dominant since roughly about puberty. There was never any coming out for me, or any time when I thought that I was "vanilla". I always knew that I was a "pervert" and I accepted it early on.

Being dominant is not just part of my sexuality. It is part of all of me. In my work life and in my social life I am dominant. I was fortunate, when I was in my early teens, to work during school holidays, through my father, with other professionals having my own serious responsibilities. I found that I delighted in them.

I am happy to be in control. I am happy to have the responsibility and authority. One of the hard things that I learned about having this authority and the control is when NOT to use it. Much the same as with colleagues in a work environment, when you have a submissive partner you have to know how to hold the reins just tight enough so that she does what she should while still having the freedom to grow. It's not about holding her down. It's about pulling her up.

I have always been drawn to submissive women. Even before I could put a name to what I was, or recognised fully what I am, I always had partners that were, to some extent or other, submissive. It was what I needed. I see my relationships as partnerships. I cannot be a Dominant without a submissive. I need a submissive to really be what I need to be, to realize my potential (though that probably sounds corny).

My sexual fantasies regarding partners have almost always included the idea that I was in control. My fantasies often involved my partners being naked, but they hardly ever involved actual sex. It was the idea of the control, and maybe the surrender, that I fantasised about, and it was this that always turned me on.

A couple of the key words in my life and my relationships are: trust, caring and respect. Without these any relationship, be it friendship or more, is hollow and without significance. A real delight for me is to have a bright, intelligent and confident woman give herself to me, surrender herself completely to me, based on the trust that I have earned from her. It is an honour and makes me feel so warm inside. This is beautiful.

By nature I am very caring and nurturing. For me, important things when caring about a submissive partner are making sure that she feels that:
1. she is being used and appreciated and,
2. she is respected for what she is and how she behaves for me.

She needs to feel that she is valued. I have always put a lot of effort into my partners. I love to see them grow. I love to see them learn and become more confident with themselves, more content and satisfied with what they are. Being Dominant is a real responsibility. It is hard work taking care of two people, myself and her. But it is work that I revel in. Seeing my partner grow and shine, and seeing her smile and hearing the depth of her need for me in her voice are the rewards.

The term "BDSM" breaks down into Bondage&Discipline, Dominance&Submission and Sadism&Masochism. From the foregoing you can tell that I'm mainly into the emotional and intellectual aspects of Dominance&Submission. I am a bit of a sadist, but not much. I am not into giving lots of pain, and I am not interested much in punishment and discipline. They don't turn me on. Discipline is a means to an end and I use it so that my sub knows that I care. That's about where it ends.

Sometimes I see myself more as a Mentor than a Master. I am both, though. I have a woman now to whom I am "Master". She is my email slave and she is a delight. Well, most of the time she is a delight. We have had each other for only a few months now and there are still growing and learning pains. Sometimes I feel enormously frustrated.

Looking back over the short time that we have had I see how much she has grown, and every day I feel her commitment to me growing deeper. There is nothing more and nothing better I could ask for. Peter

Peter can be contacted via the URL:

© Copyright 2002, All rights reserved.