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| Dear Littlesub |
| By Dorothy C. Hayden, CSW |
Dear Littlesub,
Consistent loving attachments to parental figures are a critical part of healthy psychological development. Because you've suffered traumatic losses as a child, you are dealing with unresolved conflicts about dependency, attachment and being taken care of because those needs were not adequately met in your childhood. When you feel panic about separation and loss, you are re-experiencing your childhood longings for a secure and consistent attachment to your parental figures.
You're very lucky to have found someone who can meet some of your childhood needs through being strong, dominant and attentive. Difficulties arise when you feel a lapse or a disruption in the kind of constant attention that you crave. In adult, mature, healthy relationships, these lapses of attunement are inevitable and are part of living in an intimate relationship. When this occurs, try to watch how you handle the resurgence of hurt, neediness and feelings of abandonment. Either by yourself or through the help of a therapist, you can learn to separate your irrational feelings of terror of being abandoned that belong to a time past and are not appropriate to the present situation. These feelings need to be acknowledged and contained and not acted on as much as possible in the relationship, as this can serve to weaken the tie between you and your partner. When jealousy and fear of loss occur, don't look to your partner to "fix" you; try to recognize that the trauma is past, feel the feelings, know that they'll pass and talk about them to a friend or therapist.
With regards to staying in a relationship that was hurtful to you for seven years, the more you develop the capacity to tolerate old feelings of fear of separation, the less likely you are to cling to a bad relationship as a way to ward off having to feel the seemingly unbearable terror of abandonment. An unhealthy masochistic relationship involves progressive sacrifices of self to hold on to a tie that you feel you can't live without. Usually other avenues for growth and a sense of personal vitality, the need to develop self-esteem and to be treated well are all sacrificed to maintain an attachment that you hope will compensate for early losses and finally give you the love you so longed for as a child.
It's like throwing everything overboard to keep the boat afloat because you're afraid of drowning in overwhelming feelings of abandonment.
I think it's very important for you to develop a path of personal growth that helps you to know that as an adult woman, abandonment is not fatal. Do things that bolster your self-esteem. Develop interests and friendships that nurture and strengthen you. Take on projects that give you a sense of efficacy and mastery so you can develop an adult identity that can counterbalance the voices of the terrified little girl who lives inside you. You will then be able to tolerate the ups and downs of an intimate relationship without the pain of jealousy and panic.
Good luck to you.
Dorothy Hayden, CSW
Dorothy Hayden, CSW, is a New York-based psychotherapist who specializes in the scene, fetishes and sexual addiction. She received her M. S. W. from New York University and her psychoanalytic training at the Post Graduate Center for Mental Health. She can be reached at dolly4@mindspring.com.or at 646/602-8463.
Other items by Dorothy C. Hayden, CSW:
Articles: DUMPED BY YOUR DOM?
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