Back to DomSubFriends Home

DomSubFriends Memberships

Front Page
He said / She said
Book Reviews
Past Meetings

Dear Ms Kinky
Dear Ms Kinky,

I am seeing a dominant who thinks that I as his submissive is in a lower position than he. From reading things on the Internet and talking with other submissives, I feel that we should be equal partners. Do you feel that in a scene relationship the Dom and Sub are equal?


Dear Confused,

I have seen this question as a topic of debate and have heard many differing opinions. My opinion is that as partners in a D/s relationship, you are both equally important as the other, being that he gives you his dominance and you in return give him your equally valuable submission. Some people feel that the submissive has equal power because she has chosen to submit and can choose to withdraw her submission, therefore having equal control. However within the dynamics of the dom/sub relationship, you are subordinate to him, thus not equal. I think that a dom and sub should have equal respect for one another, and care equally for each other as people. However, the bottom line is that the Dominant is the one in control, thus in a higher status in the D/s relationship.

There are different types of D/s relationships and varying degrees of submission that can exist. In a TPE (Total Power Exchange), the dominant is always in control. He listens to his sub's opinions and concerns, but he has the final word on all decisions, thus making him the more powerful partner in the relationship. In a non 24/7 BDSM relationship, the dom and sub are in their scene roles part of the time. During "vanilla" time, they maybe equals, but when they are in their BDSM roles, the dominant is the one in control.

To me, the dominant is in charge, meaning the submissive lives by the rules he's set and does what he says without hesitation, regardless of whether or not it is something she likes to do. She is there to serve him and to yield to his will and she has to trust him to fulfill her needs in the manner he chooses. Within the context of their dom/sub roles, the dom's word is the law and he has the upper hand, while the submissive has a lower status. In the overall relationship, I feel that both partners are equal in that they should receive the mutual satisfaction they seek.

© Copyright 2002, All rights reserved.