Back to DomSubFriends Home

DomSubFriends Memberships

Front Page
Dear Ms Kinky
Book Reviews
Past Meetings

The Issue Of Reality Versus Fantasy In The Scene
She Said

When I refer to D/S I am talking about Domination/Submission. Which is a fantasy concept. By that I mean a creation of the mind, not a physical state of reality. I am not suggesting however, that it's a game. If you are a dominant, you relish being in control of another who has volunteered to give you that control. This exchange is, for all intents and purposes, role-play, because the dynamics of the play rely on both parties aligning their wills in order to achieve the state of dominance/submission. Both partners assume their roles consensually. Were such rolls assumed nonconsensually, we'd have abuse, or true slavery, which last time I checked was illegal.

If we agree that Domination/submission is a fantasy state of mind then we are acknowledging the reality of the relationship. This fantasy state can be for a day, a few hours, a weekend, or even full time. In good D/s relationships, the Dominant successfully intertwines their fantasies with the submissive's so that both parties' needs are fulfilled.

Unfortunately, some people don't have a clear understanding of the *realities* of their fantasies. They can't, in realistic terms, say *why* they want to role play this fantasy, nor can they identify specifically *what* they want the fantasy to do for them. Many fantasize away, without asking themselves these important quesitions. Which can lead to very realistic problems, two of which I'll mention here. One- Not ALL creations of the mind are meant to enter the world of reality. Two- This isn't domination/submission, its a form of vending machine fulfillment of the submissives's fantasies, without the dominant establishing clear goals to lead the submissive to in terms of role play. This problem is usually the result of one or both role -play participants not planning in reality before jumping off into fantasy play, or it could be that one individual is in the world of fantasy while the other is still in the world of reality.

Reality based relationships are where both parties can articulate what they bring to the table. It is here that the prospective submissive/dominant identifies qualities that make that them special or separate him or her from others in the same category. Before I take on a submissive I ask two very important questions; why do you feel you are submissive and what do you have to offer to a dominant? This eliminates the vast multitude who are looking for pure fantasy fulfillment rather than a reality based relationship.

Sometimes situations change. Sometimes the people involved understand all the above in the beginning, but in living out their fantasies they become so content that they choose to live in that state of contentment more often than not. Orgasms, eroticism and adrenalin rushes are all very powerful and addicting things. Reality and fantasy become blurred because emotions, passions, lusts, desires and needs are being met and nurtured in a fantasy world where continually wanting more of the same, regardless of the consequences, is always okay..

I have seen submisisves fall very hard for dominants in a short period of time because their fantasies are being met, and they forget that the relationship takes more than fantasy fulfillment to work . The submissive becomes spoiled or greedy or wanting, and once the dominant acquiesces, the situation gets out of hand. This need for fantasy fullfillmet can escalate, leading to the pushing of limits, and ever increasing adrenalin rushes...

This becomes the hottest most erotic experience, which the submissive often interprets as love, yet is actually pure lust and gratification in the world of fantasy. Don't get me wrong, the feelings are real. But they are being experienced many times through what is fantasy, not reality. (I don't mean to imply that this only happens with submissives- it happens with dominants too- and sometimes with both the dom and the sub.

As responsible dominants the blame lies with us, because we are directing the scene. It is our job to control the level of intensity, and to guide the submissive back down where both feet are on the "ground" in the real world. (I mean make sure the submissive is not inferring more from the exchange than the dominant does.) I have been guilty of this myself, allowing my emotions to rule over logic.

It's impossible to avoid the ups and down of a D/S relationship. Starting with clear ideas of the expectations both parties have, and where you want them to proceed, is essential. It's also a good idea to discuss how and why you may end the relationship. This is not just up to the dominant but also clearly because the submiisve has given over that control more often than not the dominant partner decides when the end is the end.

This is my spin on the issue of reality versus fantasy in scene play. It seems odd to me that a woman in a vanilla relationship will develop a relationship slowly over a period of time, before she will find herself extremely attracted to or attached to a significant other. This woman will start off with a casual date. Then may be another date next week. If things seem to be going well maybe she'll see this individual more than once a week. As their relationship progresses, she will decide whether to accept his advances of intimacy. But rest assured she has found out if he's married, separated divorced, has children, what type of job he has, levels of education, intelligence, etc. This all occurs before she gives over her heart and her body. Now take this same woman and put her in a D/S scene situation and assume she is submissive. On the first encounter (find it hard to call the first scene a date) she takes off her clothes, lets him do all kinds of interesting and probably painful things to her body, and often lets him get sexually intimate. Practically before she is untied she has fallen madly and passionately in love with this man who she may only know by a computer screen name. It's this type of fantasy fulfillment, blurring the harsh realities of the situation, which leads to many of the problems people are encountering in the scene. I am not saying that this problem is only limited to women. Men who are normally very cautious often find themselves madly infatuated with a woman who has just tied them to a bed and tried to rip their nipples off their body, before pouring hot wax all over their chest, crotch, and balls. Again, hardly before he leaves her presence he has decided *this* is the woman of his dreams and his ultimate mate forever and ever. Now this lady might have just wanted a good time for the evening with a guy she felt was a geek. She wanted to torture something bigger than a spider or a mouse. Now it's not hard to imagine the potential problems that can arise as fantasies are left fulfilled,but the realities of the situation have not been recognized. . Fantasy MUST be fulfilled by the individuals involved ONLY after communicating in terms of REALITY for this thing called BDSM to be beautiful and to work.

He Said

Okay we have two factors open for discussion at this time. On one side we have the realities of ones life and on the other side we have our fantasies. In the real world unless you are diagnosed as having severe neurotic or psychotic mental disorders it is assumed that a hard fast line can be drawn between reality and fantasy. An easy example of this would be the idea of having a brand new Mercedes Benz parked in your driveway or going on a vacation to the French Rivera for a month is quickly relegated to the category of day dreams / fantasy when ones bank statement and credit card bills come in the mail. In the real world your fantasies are by and enlarge not fulfill able. Most people seem to readily understand the above stated concept in the vanilla world. There are easily recognizable patterns that can be followed for everything from religion, marriage, dating, to making an apple pie. The boundaries are relatively well laid out for us if we bother to look.

I always say; " I love my fantasies because reality sucks and I most live in the world of reality about 99% of the time." Naturally I look to fulfill my fantasies, as do most people reading this little dissertation in the scene. Now here is where it gets tricky - also wherein lies the point of this discussion. Do I in fact look to fulfill my fantasies by relying on realistic appraisals of situations and people or do I in fact fantasize about people and their role in my fantasies. Better yet do I associate with others who live in a world of reality or in a world of fantasy? Hey for two people ideally to get together in the scene their fantasies should compliment each other. This allows for mutual fulfillment and good power exchanges. However the question can be reasonably asked what happens if one or both people are trying to live in a fantasy world to in fact satisfy their fantasies. Bluntly put, in the last case scenario the shit is going to hit the electric fan while they are standing right in front of the fan. It doesn't take much imagination to know what a shit mess that is going to make.

This confusion of reality and fantasy or using fantasy to fulfill fantasies is where many problems are readily generating themselves amongst scene people on a daily basis. Males are becoming enraptured with female dominas and domes that in fact are not at all enraptured with the males. Female subs are also in amazingly short periods of time falling in love with unavailable masters or expecting things from these males far and above what they are either capable of giving them or for that matter willing to give them. This is because lets face it role-play is by and enlarge fantasy play. When you take it on as either a lifestyle or try to take it back into the real world this where the problems come about for many individuals. The idea of being ones 24/7 slave sounds great as a fantasy and for some people it does work well as a total lifestyle, but lets remember the reality of it is Abraham Lincoln through the Emancipation Proclamation freed all slaves back in 1863. This concept therefore has no place in reality but only in fantasy. Hey this is okay so long as the parties involved keep this in mind. They most be able to communicate with each other on a level of reality in order for their fantasies to be meaningful. It cannot be communicating in a fantasy world or language in order to turn fantasy into reality. The reverse just doesn't work.

A person wishing to role-play or fulfill fantasies in the scene must have a firm grip who and what he or she really is all about. Keep in mind the scene is not a cure-all for you life's problems. You must know your weaknesses and your strengths going into this lifestyle. It is only by knowing oneself that you will be able to guide yourself through fantasy fulfillment while at the same time keeping in touch with reality. Putting it another way if you want to be beaten, verbally abused and otherwise mistreated because you in fact actually believe you are worthless piece of shit as the dom tells you then you shouldn't be doing this, because in your mind you have no beckon to lead you back to the reality of life. The same applies to the masochist who wants to be beaten to experience pain and a punishment for his or her failure in life. This is not in fact a healthy course to take to resolve you conflicts in life. People who are disturbed as a result of life's unfortunate experiences tend to fixate on what they are doing in the scene. The scene life becomes their whole focus for living. The unfortunate thing about this is that in most cases this really can't happen. People have to hold jobs and keep focused on how they are going to make their way successfully in the real world. If all their energies are fantasy fulfillment oriented then when reality rears it's ugly head these folks come down very hard. The focuses being unsoundly founded leave them totally disoriented and in much worse shape than they were in before participating in these fantasies.

It's one thing to use role-play fantasy fulfillment as a recreational outlet, but entirely another thing to base your life on fulfilling and maintaining your fantasies. A man can throw himself at a dominant woman's feet worship her do her bidding take her punishment as his reward for good service and devotion. If this woman is in fact his wife hey it could be a marriage made in heaven- provided he knows when to pick his ass up off the floor go out and earn a living. Furthermore he must know when he must stand as an emotionally strong individual for his wife / dome when she in fact needs emotional reinforcement. They must also be able to communicate all their needs in terms of reality even if they are fulfilled in fantasy. Quite candidly I know many dominant women in this scene and I cannot think of one of them that more often or not doesn't need a strong shoulder to lean on herself. Female subs most also realize that Masters are not Islands unto themselves either. They may need emotional support at times. If they cannot get it from their female slave many times they go outside that relationship and look for it elsewhere. Of course the same applies to the dominant woman. The inability to understand the role reality plays in ones life or when it is time to make a quantum leap from fantasy to reality is causing many perplexing problems to many individuals in the scene.

© Copyright 2002, All rights reserved.