Back to DomSubFriends Home

DomSubFriends Memberships

Front Page
Dear Ms Kinky
Book Reviews
Past Meetings

Us & Them, Or Me & You
She Said

When we want to turn our pleasurable fantasies into play - real time reality Many times these scenarios don't work out as we fantasized they would or worse yet become really bad trips when acted out in real time.

In on going relationships where we are familiar with our partner many times situations and feelings are taken for granted. We often forget the other person's needs/rights and if they don't vocalize their feelings or needs, the scene can often end up good for one party and not the other.

The key here is communication. Stop the scene call a time out and reevaluate what's happening. Seems simple enough however many submissive don't stop scenes for a variety of reasons: They don't want their dominant to be disappointed-or they feel maybe they deserve what they get-or even have problems remembering this is fantasy play and they can say no. Sometimes they aren't sure where they want the scene to go or don't know how to get what they need out of the scene. They have difficulty communicating these feelings or needs to the dominant, in many cases.

Recently I know of people who have been playing/scening where the top thinks the scene is fantastic and the bottom is thinking I haven't connected with this top-How can this be? Well, part of the problem is communication-also moods each one brings to a scene/play event. We constantly say dominants aren't mind readers but still body language should be apparent if one is looking for it. I think what happens is the people are so much into their own space that they aren't aware that their partner isn't fully in tune with them or they aren't watching signals given off real or unspoken signals or body language.

It reminds me of a scene I saw at Paddles a few weeks ago. It was a really hot looking play. I thought while watching them play that both people were really having the time of their lives. When I had occasion to chat with the bottom, after the scene was over, I was surprised when she said it was okay but nothing she wanted to repeat again. We chatted about why she wasn't enjoying the play. She said even though she adores her master she felt totally disconnected, from the scene, as just a body (vessel), not his adored submissive-Yet he was beaming and thrilled with how his performance went and kept telling her she was a good girl.

What baffled me most was, when I suggested she talk with her dominant, telling him she felt empty. Her response was, I'll wait and see, if next time we play it's better. I walked away shaking my head thinking why would a person with high self esteem go along with something not to their liking. Then I thought maybe their self-esteem isn't intact. Maybe its not about self esteem, maybe its just the bottom not knowing how to communicate her needs to the dominant in a manner both would feel fulfilled without it seeming like she was topping from the bottom.

Are we so fragile or so into our own fantasies that we are willing to put up with mediocre just to occasionally get what we need? I have talked with lots of people who say not all scenes are good, however they keep doing these scenes hoping the next one will take them to subspace. This seems to me more than just a lack of communication. Maybe the people sceneing shouldn't be sceneing because they cannot clearly delineate what their own needs are and where they expect the ds play/relationship/scene to take them. My point is there is a great lack of communication here at all levels, be it doms who have no idea of what their submissives or play partners are feeling. Or in fact the submissives that don't tell their doms of their dissatisfaction with what is happening in and during the scene. I find it hard to believe all these people have such a poor command of the English language that they canít make their feelings understood to the other party. I must therefore conclude that there is a much deeper motive or at least reason for this lack of communication.

We have talked about starting from the point of knowing whom you are and what you expect to get out of the relationship. It should be more than just the high (endorphin) release most of us look for. It is apparent to me that most of these people are not being honest with themselves or don't feel they are worthy of the consideration, in play in fact they as human participants are entitled to have recognized by the other play partner. This can only mean it is time to go back to the old adage about; know thine self, because only when you know your own needs, motivations for what you are doing and how you are acting, can in fact you achieve your goals of mutual scene enjoyment.

He Said

Okay as I travel through the scene world of Dominance and Submissive (all the rest of the titles included ad-nausea) all there is to observe in many instances are states of either mass confusion, hysteria or both. This incidentally is not by way of criticism but just a seemingly almost universal state of mind of many life stylus's and would be life styles. Believe me I know only too well how one can become confused or dissatisfied with his or her situation in this life. Mainly, because we are always reversing reality and fantasy, not only in our minds but also in our real lives by our actions. We continually want to turn our pleasurable fantasies into play - real time reality. Many times these scenarios don't work out as we fantasized they would or worse yet become really bad trips when acted out in real time. This situation then expands outwardly from the affected individual to this person's significant other or worse yet just eats away at the distressed individuals psyche. In any event this collective turmoil or confused or disillusioned persons begins to adversely affect those around them.

Normally I don't bring my personal experiences, in the first person into a discussion because then the works begin to sound biographical at best and more than likely a dismal attempt at self -aggrandizement, neither of which properly serves my purposes. However in this case I am going to take the liberty of giving a brief sketch of a scene that went wrong with me recently, because it surprised me to no end and took me a little time to figure it out in my head.

I am what can be termed a dominant masochist. I like to be topped because the adrenalin highs can't be beat by any substance on the face of this earth. It is also an erotic turn about from the rest of my life to submit to and role-play women as a submissive. With these two facts clearly in mind I will try and move through this rapidly. A friend of mine arrived late on evening at the Hellfire Club with four pro domina's or better would be dominas in tow. These were by far not the best players in the world not by a long shot. But hey I hadn't played in a long time and I was in my; I will be happy to play with a bus mood. Playing with a bus was pretty close to the way the scene transpired. They were into verbal humiliation, coupled with spitting screaming etc. This is before they got to the part I liked namely the corporal end of the scene. They had me crawling around yelling from all directions I was basically spat upon attacked verbally and physically. They got so involved in their own shit at one point I had to stop the scene altogether. Then when a little groundwork and communication was accomplished we were able to continue to play. When it was all over I was totally drained, both from the physical aspects of the scene and the emotional stress engender by being simultaneously attacked by four female strangers. It was about 12 hours later that I became rather perturbed between my own ears. First of all I am usually pretty selective to whom I submit to and how I do submit at that - be accused by many of my lady friends at being a really poor example of a slave - while on the other hand being a great masochistic player. What I had allowed myself to get into left me feeling rather stupid and certainly not really that great. I felt that this wasn't an exhibitionist scene but instead a humiliating attack I had allowed to happen to my person. This was really starting to perturb me - the last time I was perturbed about any scene I had played I couldn't really tell you right now. This includes sharps play - having my lips sewn shut to a little sharps play. Never was a problem with this.

After getting over my surprise at my post scene psychological reaction to the scene I decided to investigate why I felt the way I did about this. First of all I realized that my reaction to being spat upon, the unsanitary part aside, or being verbally humiliated by four questionable individuals was basically irrational on my part. They didn't matter to me before the scene started and they certainly didn't matter after the scene was over. What I had done during the scene or how I participated in the scene was again no problem for two reasons. First of all it didn't matter because it was simply my fulfilling my desire to play with anyone or anything including a bus. Secondly everyone who knows me knows I am a crazy bastard capable of doing almost anything at any given time. Therefore no one would give a second thought to what transpired. In other words I couldn't look any crazier than everyone already believes I am when in certain moods. There wasn't any damage to my self-image or mirror self-image of how others perceive me. Once I had this issue out of the way - I was able analyze the rest of the situation relatively easily. Simply put in my mind I had inserted an element of reality where in fact existed nothing but acted upon fantasy. All my scene friends telling me how cool from they had heard the scene I had done was and that they were sorry they missed it only reinforced my belief that this was the correct analysis of the situation. Hey fucking go figure where and how your next plaudit is coming

The above, hopefully short, narration is for the following purpose. It is to reinforce what I am about to say; "Know thyne self." Yes folks it is very important before you immerse your self in this fantasy world that you have an excellent command over who you know yourself to be in reality. You must more importantly be relatively happy with who you know yourself to be. There is no room here for using play as a form of self-flagellation. No one should seek to play - notice the word- to punish themselves for real or imagined sins against themselves. Nor should they be looking for others to take over responsibility for them selves or should anyone decide you must have a person under your control in fantasy because in reality you don't have control over your own person. Fore armed with the above knowledge you must be able to separate yourself from others. It is extremely important to have a clear delineation between you and them. You must recognize what others do or how they act may or may not have a damn thing in reality to do with the way you act. It is extremely possible that their motivations for their behavior are based upon their inner feelings and perceptions of their life's needs. It is important to understand yourself and what your needs are as a human being. Human needs must and should be separated from material needs. Basics such as food shelter clothing and money are not going to be discussed, but your needs, as recognition of self worth, value as a human being to yourself are very important.

Once you know who and what you are in a positive vane you can go out into the world to find out what you need and want from others. Keep in mind an old rule of thumb; "If the situation doesn't satisfy my needs then I should remove myself from the situation." Keep in mind no one said it is going to be easy to satisfy your human needs in the world we live. Furthermore the sooner you recognize there are no quick fixes to satisfying these needs the better off you will be. Others can help you or contribute to you satisfying your needs but in fact they can only help if they know themselves. If you are dealing with a person with many personal issues unresolved and are looking for them to help you fulfill your goals then you are in most cases looking in the wrong place. Yes the union of a dominant aggressive personality with a submissive personality can be a mutually beneficial union, but only if both people use the others strengths wisely. It becomes a very destructive relationship if one person uses his or her strengths to take advantage of the other's weaknesses.

In conclusion what I am saying you must know yourself before you embark on fantasy fulfillment through D&S. You must be able to find your way back to the world of reality from the world of fantasy. It is necessary to know both your reality needs and your fantasy needs. More importantly you must have the ability to properly compartmentalize these needs so they do not become confusing. The grip on life we all hold can get very slippery sometimes but we most all make the effort not to let it slip away.

© Copyright 2002, All rights reserved.