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| "How do you get from jealousy to envy?" |
| By Kimiko, property of Soulhuntre |
Recently I was on the DomSubFriends Polyamoury Panel with my Daddy Soulhuntre and my sister Tatsumi. One of the questions that was asked was "How do you get from jealousy to envy?". At the time, I didn't really have a good answer though my sister spoke for us both with a great answer. She said that you need to learn to like the person you are jealous of and realize that you don't not want someone to have what they have...you just want it too. I agree, that is something really good to focus on.
But I was talking to a friend about the panel and out just popped the answer I "should" have said. The answer that I think would really have been helpful to people. I've said it before on several mailing lists but it always bares repeating. Get a Gratitude Journal.
My Mom had mentioned to me quite a while back that she'd seen the idea on a TV program and it was being used to boost your confidence. The assignment was to write in the journal every day things that you enjoyed about your day or things that made you feel good about yourself that occurred. I took the idea and re-assigned it. My Gratitude Journal is for all of the things that my Owner (partner) does for me and/or to me that make me feel really good or special each day. You would be so amazed at how this cuts right through irrational thoughts and talks that begin with "but she/he gets....."
Let me give you an example. One of the irrational thoughts I've had at times is "He doesn't cuddle in bed and whisper cool things to me like he does with her." The actual truth of the matter is he does it all the time and I realize that, when I'm being rational. Especially when I can remember specific examples to negate my inaccurate belief.
So how do you to get rational when you are irrational? Remember that he/she does whatever you are being jealous of, or even something just as great that you get. Ok...so how do you remember when it's human nature to forget all the good and remember only the bad?
If you are writing down good things consistently, and that word is extremely important, you remember quicker which makes it easier to get rational. Don't get me wrong, when you have jealousy it doesn't just go away with a Gratitude Journal, but it damn sure helps to cut to the point quick. You get things, too. But if you aren't doing it consistently, you don't have it to refer to when the demon bites you in the butt.
Let's define envy again (which is what we are going for if you can't always be happy with what you truly are getting):
Envy is not wishing that you don't want someone to have what you want, it's wishing you had it too.
For me, I don't even have to go back and read what I've written. The positive thoughts towards my partners are more accessible in my head because I'm focusing on it daily. It's not quite so easy to slip into irrational thoughts. It even allows me to pick up on the good things that others, like my sister, do for me. Even though you may have taken a step from jealousy to envy, it will eventually allow you to be happy for your partners as well as for yourself with what you are getting in the relationships. And wouldn't that be a world to live in. :)
Note: If you keep a journal you'll probably find that after a while you may not need the journal to remember all those special things. Jealous/Envy is terminal and though it goes into remission for a while, it has a tendency to come back. My advice is either, always continue to write in the journal so you can stay in a positive frame of mind...or what's more likely to happen...when you notice that you aren't as happy as you use to be...start it up again. It only takes a little while before you get in the right frame of mind again.
By Kimiko property of Soulhuntre
e-mail: kimiko@girl2.com
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